Friday, December 14, 2012

Arms




My mind bends to the ground
like the wind whipped branches
of a willow
scraping where they will dig
to lay the bones
of little children
who never danced
at a prom in the light
of the moon

Who never laid
in a lover’s arms
under the stars
that claimed
“This is your day”

What evil have they been spared
that could have rivaled
what blew their lives
to pieces

A timeless violence
so horrid
that we look away
like the townspeople of Dachau
even though we smell
their bodies burning
and dust their ashes
from our well-shod feet

Three dozen
little arms
snapped in two
like twigs
of brittle lack
of understanding

I long to wrap my arms
around my grown manchild
and my two little women …
three angels still winging
past the rubble
of so many other lives


Copyright 2012



Saturday, October 27, 2012

REMembering




Tired and hungry
but too early
for dinner in Italy.
On our plates
Korean dumplings.
The pungent
aroma of Kimchee.
On the streets outside
women of Milano
wafts of Parisian perfume.
In her heart
Geneva and Harrisburg.
All that defies
geography and time.

Copyright 2012

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

The Breakup



I can’t be your friend anymore
I said
clenching my jaw which
I’m painfully learning
in some cases
is better than biting my tongue

I’m sorry, I said, though really,
at this moment, I’m not
But I can’t be your friend anymore,
because you refuse to hear me
when I say I cannot
keep storing your king size bed
in the  tiny urban apartment
that I now share
with my boyfriend
and besides 
keeping it this long
was never the deal

Now that sounds just silly
but it’s not.

Our friendship
began when our parents
would lovingly lay us down on their
king size beds in one another’s houses
so they could share dinner and laughter downstairs
and we would creep like burglars to the top of the stairs
to eavesdrop and giggle and imagine what
it’s like to
be a grown-up

The thing is
if she cannot even try to picture
what my apartment looks like right now
then she isn’t even trying
to imagine
the grown-up me

Copyright September 2012

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Remember


I. 

Some say,
When you find yourself
in darkness,
remember, it’s your choice.

 
I say,
What planet
can resist rotation?

 
How quickly
earth revolves
day into night. 

II. 

Memories must be mined
and stoked like coals
 

No use are they
hidden deep within the earth
we all become
 

Perhaps they’re right that
if we wake before the dawn
we will remember
all it lights.
 

III. 

Oswiecim
is one of many
Polish names
for murder

by no choice of
my foremothers.
 

Here burned innocence
stoking absence
scorched into the soil.
 

And yet the sun still rises
over fields of
hopeful cornflowers
 

So very long I’ve remembered
this particular darkness
in which I never lived. 

 
IV. 

So finally one morning
I inhaled beauty
like they in all
that dust did faith

My arms outstretched,
hope rising from city streets,
wires slicing through
a tentative prayer. 

 
V. 

Perhaps the answer,
is so simple: 

Speak love
in any language
no matter what
the time of day. 

And yes,
even when it must
be whispered.
 
 
 
Copyright September 2012

Thursday, September 22, 2011

A Flood of Words

Harrisburg, PA, September 2011

The Susquehanna, already full from a year of very high level rains, threatens. Tropical Storm Lee saunters up the East Coast, adding insult to the injury of Hurricane Irene. Northern tributaries are overflowing by Thursday, September 8th, and in Harrisburg, the nutty Mayor orders all who live between Front and Third Streets to evacuate ... regardless of the fact that wide swaths of that area do not flood until the Susquehanna is at 31 feet or more.

Reason has never been one of this mayor's strong points. She does love power, though, and this natural disaster gives her an opportunity to strut.

Reports start coming in saying the river might hit 29.5 feet. Just for a point of reference for non-Harrisburgers, the Susquehanna floods in Harrisburg at 17 feet. The worst flood on record was during Hurricane Agnes in 1972, when the Susquehanna reached 32 feet. Half the city was under water.

As the new predictions arrive, and the rain keeps falling, my friend Paul, who lives in a very nice basement apartment, is told by his building manager to move everything upstairs. Everything.

We start packing.

The Mayor continues to blather in front of the cameras about closing down Restaurant Row because drunk people do obnoxious things like jump in the river. Having ordered everyone to leave, she realizes she'd better put out a second order for a curfew.

At one point she actually commandeers a rescue boat and has rescue personnel motor her through the already flooded streets of the city's most low-lying area--Shipoke. She waves her princess wave from under her bulky life jacket. That the empress is wearing no clothes via pearls and cashmere is only part of the entertainment of these few days.

On Calder Street, where I live, seasoned neighbors, including Betsy, who grew up here, tell me I have nothing to worry about. Yet worry is one of the things I do best. I laugh in the face of danger, then panic. After a stroll down to the river shows the mighty Susquehanna, always an impressive broad spectacle, spreading into the garden where my son had his prom pictures taken, I hurry back and commence cleaning my basement. Maybe I'm not going to lose my piano and furniture, but that basement has a lot of cool stuff, and I need to save it.

Hours later, cobwebs hanging from my sweaty brow, I have toted clothing to the second floor, stacked boxes of beloved children's picture books on top of high shelves, and hauled out four garbage bags of stuff that should have gone out long ago.

Nearing exhaustion and hefting containers filled with children's early photograph albums with Mickey Mouse motif covers, I uncover a nearly empty plastic storage box I haven't seen in quite a while. I open it. Inside are my master's paper on Emily Dickinson, my PhD dissertation on Iris Murdoch, and, in a plastic envelope, the manuscript of a novel that took me years to write, in between mothering three young children and working at jobs that actually paid. My family life in one crate, in photographs, and my intellectual self a tiny relic in one oversized plastic tub.

The electricity doesn't fail on my side of the street, much to my chagrin, as my neighbors are outdoors complaining about theirs being cut off, but I lose cable and Internet. I sit down to read.

The next day, I'm still reading. I fall asleep reading one section. But later, I flip pages compulsively, eager to find out how I ended it that draft around. I fall back in love with my characters.

The characters truly are like old friends. I've missed them. I forgive them. Who abandoned whom? I forgive myself. They're all nicer now than they were before, and perhaps so am I. There is no absoluteness about them anymore. Something within me has changed.

About the flood. I had not one drop of water in my basement. I'm awash in gratitude.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Incomprehensible Divinity

It is Sunday morning and
before Mass,
turning on the stereo
for some radio news,
I find, neatly folded,
the brand new black
cotton top
that last week
I spent a quarter hour
fruitlessly seeking

It blended in with
the color of the speaker
and I walked past it
for days

Touching the smooth
fabric makes me
laugh at my
very human
limitations

And smile with
this miniature
revelation
that what we most
want is only lost
when we fail
to listen

Copyright 2011

Monday, June 13, 2011

A Very Full Nest

Students who attend The Harrisburg Academy for 13 or more years receive a "survivor" award.

Annie started in 1993 ... thus, by extension, I have just survived 18 years of The Harrisburg Academy ... including: an exhausting 3-year teaching stint that knocked me to my knees; years of PTA/lower school library/classroom volunteering; chaperoning field trips as close by as Hershey Zoo and as far away as Freiburg with Mr. Gutwein et al; countless soccer games with some field hockey thrown in; endless All-School Concerts ... oh, the middle school band, oh, oh, oh; invisibility at events dominated by the ex's posse while I nearly cried wishing my family could see, if only my family could see; States Fairs; Science Fairs; mostly happy and successful but also some scary bad days for each kid; lots of runs with a forgotten sax; crazy years of rescheduling the dentist, the orthodontist, the doctor, to accomodate something much more vital like, err, a French quiz; endless listening on my part to the injustices of the school world; frustrating meetings with certain administrators leaving me feeling the injustices of the school world; poring over yearbooks to find every photo of one of my kids or one of their friends; uproariously funny drama productions including those meant to be serious; and ... and ... and ...

Diese Kinder. Die sind jetzt alle drei Erwachsene. Sie wissen viel mehr Geschichte und Wissenschaft als ihre Mutti, die auch kein Franzoesisch kann. Sie wissen viel mehr als alles, das ich unterrichten kann, das sie von mir gelernt haben koennten.

To the teachers who changed my children's lives: I can never repay you for the loving guidance and inspiration you provided them. You are my heroes as much as you are theirs.

To the students who trusted my home because I tried my best to listen and let live ... thank you for being good friends to my kids. They learned just as much from you as they did inside classrooms. So did I.

Now, in my home, all gussied up for the last of the graduations now concluded (although the cards and awards still litter the piano among the photos of the honored graduate), it's just me and the dog Chuck (and well, the ghost of Pandora as she pussy-foots about hoping to find something remotely edible), and the two crazy cats, Amber and Moony (Princess Whisper Moon ... everyone has a say in the naming in this Garden of Eden ) ...

There is no metaphor boundless enough to contain the joy I feel. This house cannot contain it. I feel like it must be spreading into neighboring galaxies, and yet that doesn't dim the way it shines right here.

My mind is peopled with smiling children with hairstyles from cute little blonde bangs and "pigtails" (yes, on Peter, too), to Sophie's carefully pressed and tamed brunette mane, to Pete's sparkling gray wig from The Miser. On the stage of my mind Annie pirouettes in a black and orange witch costume that made her poison ivy itch. Sophie confidently calls to one of her teammates across the soccer field. Peter tosses his guitar over his shoulders and he and AJ and the others slam across the stage on their knees. Annie sings. Sophie sings. Peter sings. Across the years, their voices harmonize.

These children have composed an opus for me. They've written me a multiple volume history of my own life that I will reread forever.

Thank you, Annie, Sophie, and Peter, for being my children. I couldn't have dreamed you any better than you are.

And now ... to a peaceful night's rest. Be well, knowing that no matter how far away you are ... Brazil, Peru ... or Baltimore ;-) ... you are right here with me. Always. And I'm right there with you.

Onward ... I can't wait to see what you're going to do next. And man oh man am I glad I still have plenty of energy to write a few new chapters of my own.

Because, surprising to us all, although it felt sometimes like we were just surviving, in the end, it turns out, we were all being born.